Skip the Charades
by chezchuckles
Summary: Mid-season 4: Kate has recovered, but Castle has not. Alexis plans for Stanford while Castle and Beckett still work on her mother's case. SPOILERS for season 3, especially the finale, though this is not a finale fic. COMPLETE at chapter 5.
1. Chapter 1

**Skip the Charades**

* * *

><p>You wait on letters<p>

Fishing for any sign of life

Drinks after dinner

Your friends will get you to unwind

-"Skip the Charades" Cold War Kids

* * *

><p>"Are you coming?" Alexis said softly from the study door.<p>

Castle glanced up, soaked in the sight of his daughter framed by the ambient light filtering in from the hallway. Her hair was in a long braid down her back like when she was little, her face stretched in one of those dimpled smiles that lately made his heart hurt. Wrapped in a long coat, Alexis looked swallowed up by the wide lapels.

"No, sweetheart. I'm waiting on Detective Beckett," he said, giving her the best smile he could. "You guys have fun."

"Dad."

"Go on," he insisted, shooing her towards the door from his seated position behind his desk.

"What if she doesn't come?" Alexis walked further into the study, her coat falling open as she moved.

Castle looked at her feet with a raised brow. "Platform heels?"

Alexis winked at him and giggled. "Trying something new. K-uh. . .Kate gave them to me."

Castle kept the smile on his face by sheer force of will, trying not to ruin his daughter's night. "Yeah. I like them. Just. . .don't grow up too fast, sweetheart."

Alexis rolled her eyes; another gift from Kate, most likely. She clomped towards him, a little unsteady still in those shoes, and dropped a kiss to his forehead, rubbing his shoulder. "See you later, Dad."

"In case Kate does come, then I'll say good night to you now," he added, raising an arm to hug his daughter.

"Sure, Dad," she muttered.

"Hey. It could happen," he said back, shoving on her to get her moving. Alexis tilted a little on her platforms, windmilling her arms while Castle laughed.

"Not funny! You pushed me," she squealed, regaining her balance and pushing him back.

His chair rocked but he caught her arm and tugged, causing her to fall towards him. Castle tickled her mercilessly until she shrieked and giggled, squirming against him, trying to get her footing, trying not to lose her coat or heels, her elbows pressed against her sides.

When her hilarity finally buoyed his own spirit, Castle let his daughter go, lending her a steadying hand to keep her upright until she got her balance again.

"Need more practice, pumpkin," he said, grinning at her.

"Don't mess with me," she glared, pointing at him. "You be good. I'm going to dinner and the play with Grams." Alexis kissed two fingers and pushed them into his forehead.

"Bye," he said, catching her wrist again and giving those two fingers a loud smack of his lips. "I love you, Alexis."

"I know, Dad," she said. He could see it on her face, that ripple of awareness that he wished wasn't there. He wasn't happy that she'd been standing in that cemetery when Kate was shot, but he couldn't do anything to change it. She knew. She'd been brushed by horror.

"Don't let Grams talk you into midnight dessert after the theatre, sweetheart. Dessert means drinks." Castle tried to keep the mood going, tried to erase the reminders from her face.

"Doesn't dessert always mean drinks? We'll be good. I've got to finish up my research project."

"Ah. Need to stay on schedule for early graduation, right?" He hoped his voice didn't crack.

"Right." Alexis was grinning when she turned and left him in his study, so he figured he'd managed that. He wasn't ready to let her go; he was less than ready to let her go. But ever since Kate got shot, Castle had seen the wisdom in letting his daughter attend a college on an entirely different coast, especially if he and Kate were still going to do this.

His own smile didn't stick around for long, and then the winter night hooked its fingers in the room.

And Kate still hadn't come.

* * *

><p>"I just wanted to say good night," she whispered to the top of his head.<p>

Castle stirred in his chair, opened an eye to see that nimbus of red-gold hair. "Hey there. How was it?" His voice was raw with sleep.

"Wonderful. I'm so going to miss the theatre when I'm at Stanford," she said, kissing his forehead. "Grams and I went to that little Italian place a block over from the theatre where we saw Blithe Spirit together-"

"Ah, yes, Gioninni's?"

Alexis giggled at the way he purposefully mangled the restaurant's name, the sound of her laughter like tiny bells in the darkness of his study.

"Sure. That's the one. I had veal parmesan. It was sooo good, Dad. Just. Wonderful. I'm going to miss that too."

He wanted to say _Then don't leave it, don't leave us._ But he bit his tongue to keep from blurting it out, only smiled up at his daughter.

"It will miss you too. You should write down all the places and things you miss while you're there, so that when you come home for the holidays, we can cram in every last ounce of the city that we can."

In the dark, Castle could just make out the curved line of her mouth in the pale moon of her face. "Oh, Dad. That's a great idea!"

"I've been known to have a few."

"Did Kate-?" she asked hesitantly, hitching her purse up onto her shoulder.

"Not yet. Go to bed, pumpkin."

"You should too, Dad."

"Just a few more minutes," he answered, glancing down to his laptop to check the time, only to find that it had, of course, gone dark.

The flash of blue cell phone light in the room preceded Alexis's announcement: "It's 12:28, Dad."

"She's come later than this," he defended. Even though they both knew that Castle would stay up in his study for as long as he could keep his eyes open, and very rarely these days would Kate come by.

"All right. Good night then."

"Night," he replied and stood up to stretch his tight back. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and pushed her towards the door, walking with her down the hall, through the living room, and towards the stairs.

When she got to the first step, Alexis turned on the platform heels (she'd gotten infinitely better at walking in just a few short hours out). She placed both hands on his shoulders, staring at him in the eye. Her blues were touched with a darkening smudge of worry, like the way Monet portrayed shadow in his famous lily ponds.

"Don't stay up too late, Dad. Okay?"

Waiting for her.

"Not too late," he promised. Castle leaned in to give her a bone-crushing hug, the kind only fathers can give their too-grown-up daughters, and at that moment, they heard the key scrape in the lock.

Alexis jerked back in surprise. "It's her."

Castle smiled, the first real smile of the day, or night as it was, and released her. "Go on to bed."

Alexis shot a glance to the door, then leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Be careful."

And Castle knew that she wasn't just talking about the people after Kate, about the case that she wouldn't drop, but he knew that Alexis meant he should be careful of Kate herself.

As well he should. But he couldn't help himself.

He loved her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Skip the Charades**

* * *

><p>I'm two left feet when I'm home<p>

We tap-dance on broken glass

Somehow you manage

To keep your sense of humor intact

"Skip the Charades," Cold War Kids

* * *

><p>His heart fluttered as the key jiggled in the lock, turned by a hand that sounded hesitant, unused to the shape of things. Castle thought of dashing back to his study, where he'd affect a cool nonchalance, but it was already too late to make it, and he'd be out of breath, and she just might open the door in the middle of it and find him running-<p>

No. He'd just stay right here. Waiting. No. Also not good. She hated his puppy-like attention. So. . .the couch. Castle quick-stepped across the foyer, plopped down on the couch, tried to settle as the door swung open.

And of course, he couldn't pull it off, not with his heart pounding and his palms sweaty. He heard the sound of her shoes and stood up, turning to look, needing to look, needing just the sight of her.

Beckett wasn't smiling, but she didn't look as harassed as he expected, it being so late now. His heart thumped as the detective cleared the entry and caught sight of him in the darkness.

"Castle." Her voice was a query, rough and overused from a full day at the station.

He caught the wince on her face as she stepped out of her shoes, but he knew better than to ask. Flats, of course. Her hair was pulled back off her face, the same loose bun she'd had this morning, but since she'd kept it shorter recently, sometimes it'd be in waves just below her chin by the end of the day. Most of her make-up was gone; she tugged the sleeves of her coat and let it drop from her shoulders.

Beckett looked worn out.

"Kate," he breathed, and he felt like it was the first deep breath he'd had all day.

With his greeting, Detective Beckett seemed to melt before his eyes. And then Kate looked at him as she dropped her stuff on top of her shoes, her fingers uncurling from her keyring and letting it fall. "Nothing new, Castle," she said with sigh.

"Anything old?" he asked, and he heard the childish desperation in his voice.

"Ryan's gonna call you about the wedding," she offered, giving a lift of her mouth like it might be a smile. "Esposito is claiming dibs on best man."

He grinned back, letting loose the smile he'd wanted to smile when he first saw her, able to leak out his desperate joy because she'd offered it first, tentative and worn out as it was. "We'll see about that."

Castle waited for her to drape her coat over the back of the chair before he stepped forward, still dressed in his jeans and button-down shirt from earlier in the day, like he'd be called into the station at any time.

But, of course, he wouldn't.

Still he got to touch the elephant skin at her elbows with the tips of his fingers and grin at her as she stepped in closer to him. Her chest rose and fell on a shaky breath but she stayed.

Castle shuffled into her space and wrapped his arms around her back, pressing her into him slowly, being mindful of the scar tissue and the weak muscles and the long day on her feet. Kate slid her arms around his waist on a sigh, leaning her forehead into his neck for a heartbeat, then pulling back to look at him.

"Did you write?"

He shrugged. "Some."

"Did you. . .see Alexis?" she asked, and his heart curled up at the hope in her voice.

"I did," he said, swallowing hard and hoping she didn't see it in his eyes.

Kate's eyes tracked his down, narrowing at what she saw there, and she stepped back. "I should go home."

"No," he said forcefully, hanging on to her, not letting her back away again. "You just got here."

She shivered; he could feel her skin crawl under his fingers. "I don't want to be in the way."

"You're not. You're never in the way, Kate Beckett," he whispered, his desperation nearly overwhelming. Castle followed as she stepped back again, his hands in fists at her back and hip, trying not to hurt her with the force of his impatience for her. "She wore your platform shoes out tonight. She looked. . .too old for my taste."

The flicker of a smile graced her face, long enough to ease his the fist around his heart.

"She's nearly a college co-ed, Castle," Kate said softly, and he could see her allow herself a little closer.

"Never," Castle shivered for effect. "Co-eds are on Girls Gone Wild. Over my dead body."

The grin dropped off Kate's face just like that. Castle could kick himself for it but instead he plowed on, ignoring the swing of her mood.

"You can give my daughter anything you like, Kate. She had fun tonight. She'd never buy herself something like that, but she liked them a lot."

Kate nodded back at him, but her hands were loose on his waist now.

He took fate by the horns. "Did you keep any of your heels?"

The startled look on her face was quickly replaced with blank regard. "A few. The more expensive ones. The ones I loved."

Past tense. Castle felt his throat close and refused to acknowledge it. "Not long now."

"Maybe so."

He knew that she expected never to be rid of the lingering pain in her abdomen. He knew that in her darkest moments, she expected to be dead before she got the chance to wear them again.

So heels were out of the question for now. Quick movements side to side were difficult; she'd been cleared for active duty only by the grace of God, and perhaps by the murderous glint in her eyes when she'd confronted her primary care physician at last month's physical.

Castle wasn't entirely happy with it, since he wasn't there to act as her partner these days. But he couldn't say anything about it.

"What'd you make for dinner?" she said, changing the subject and stepping back.

Connection broken, Castle let her go. His time was over, it seemed; hers had begun.

"Turkey burgers. Macaroni salad. Watermelon. It's a Castle tradition: Memorial Day in January."

He got a smile for that, a backward-thrown flash of amusement as she headed for the kitchen. Castle glance up toward the second floor as he followed Kate, but Alexis's door was firmly shut. She probably had her earbuds in; she wouldn't come down for the rest of the night, he knew.

"Why is that?" Kate asked. It seemed she was allowing him to distract her tonight.

"When Alexis was little, after one Christmas she asked me when the next holiday was. Day after day for weeks. I guess it was the first Christmas she really remembered, and she wanted another one. Finally sometime in late January, I got tired of trying to explain, so I made a Memorial Day picnic. Got her a little gift. Can't remember what. Probably shoes, actually. She was in love with shoes when she was that small. The sparklier, the better."

Kate smiled as she dug through the fridge. It eased his heart that she knew exactly where to look, pulling out the containers one by one. Castle got down a plate and began opening things up. Kate assembled her burger and stuck it in the microwave, then put her back against the counter with a barely suppressed sigh of relief. A long day *and* a suspect chase, then. If she was in this much pain late at night.

He wouldn't ask. But he wished he could. "Ever since then, we made up our own holiday in January because it's just too long a time before the next one gets here. Of course, it's just sorta degenerated to putting stuff on the grill."

"You grilled this?" she asked, her eyes flickering to the microwave as it dinged.

"On the George Foreman. I cheated," he admitted, flashing her another smile as she pulled her burger out, steaming.

"Not cheating. You still had to make it," she answered, already cutting a thin slice of cheddar from the block of cheese. "What did you soak it in? I can smell it."

"Smell good?"

"Heavenly," she admitted and gave him a smile back that made everything worth it. Her face was practically alight. He wanted to keep it like that forever.

Castle cleared his throat. "Assortment of stuff. I kind of throw stuff in. Steak sauce. Kentucky bourbon. Some rosemary. Soaked it overnight."

"You made this last night? When?" Kate shot him a look, crushing lettuce and tomato and the top of the bun onto the burger with a palm. Even that caused pain, apparently, because Castle saw it shimmer in her eyes.

"When I was waiting for you to get here." And then wondered if he should not have admitted it.

She moved past it though, dished out macaroni salad and watermelon in portions on her plate. He watched, then brushed her aside to put everything back so she could get started on eating her late dinner.

Very late. After midnight already. And when had she gotten lunch?

Castle slid a glance over at her and figured she probably hadn't eaten lunch either. Worked right through it, as usual. Some things never changed.

At least he'd managed to get a bear claw and coffee in her this morning.

Kate took her plate to the bar and studied the stool for a beat. Castle saw it all in her face, hated that she scrambled to hide it, but knew better than to comment when she grabbed her plate and moved towards the table.

Couldn't get up on the stool, then. She had to really be worn out tonight. He'd seen her hesitate earlier in the day, but get up without much of a problem.

He wanted to ask, but he couldn't. This was such a delicate balance between them. After his fight with Josh that led to *her* fight with Josh. After his fight with Alexis that led to this not-so-clandestine meeting every night. After Kate's fight with the new Captain that led to *his* fight with the new Captain. . .

After everything, he still couldn't ask. After holding her head in the green grass of a cemetery that nearly became the green grass where she died. After desperately holding in her blood, only to have it slip through his fingers. After blurting out his feelings to her in the too-bright sun, bleeding his panic and grief all over her. . .

And he still couldn't ask.

"Water or milk?" he asked instead, his hand on the fridge.

"Beer?"

"Milk it is," he said, and opened the fridge door.

"Castle." But she sighed with resignation as she said it.

He loved her. He loved her and he wished to heaven she knew it.

He wished she'd let him say it all over again; this time, he'd get it right.


	3. Chapter 3

**Skip the Charades**

* * *

><p>You dodged the bullet<p>

You do your best when you're busiest

You're disconnected

You can't find your name in the script

-"Skip the Charades," Cold War Kids

* * *

><p>Kate sat on Castle's couch and ate. She ached with every bite, but when Castle watched her like that, she couldn't not eat it. The turkey burger was good, of course, but she was done after the first few bites. Her stomach had shrunk to nothing after the months of recovery.<p>

She sucked on a piece of watermelon, closing her eyes as the sweet juice trickled down her throat. She chewed slowly, trying to make it last, but she was starved and she knew it wasn't for food. But she couldn't do anything about what she really wanted.

Alexis was upstairs. Kate blinked away the burn of tears that threatened all the time lately, and put her plate on the coffee table, narrowing her eyes as the pinch of pain crimped her abdomen. She took in a shallow breath and eased back.

She wouldn't look at Castle yet. She needed a moment to keep from falling apart. The food was a rock in her belly, and the girl upstairs. . .

"Have you talked to Alexis?" she said finally, pressing her fingertips to the place just under her ribs where the muscles refused to knit together. The hard knot of her pain pulsed back at her, angry but fading into a whimper.

"Alexis found me on the couch this morning," Castle said.

Kate closed her eyes again, weary of it. So that was why he looked like that this morning. She'd wondered. "She knew I was here."

"She found out. I'm not a good liar."

"I don't want you lying to your daughter." Kate chewed the inside of her lip, bit hard on the scars she'd made over the last six months, gnawing on them. "I'll go home tonight."

"Kate. It's almost one in the morning."

"I'm not tired."

"I know you are."

"I can make it."

"I know you can. But then you'd have to leave now. And you just got here."

It was the same argument as last night's, and even though he'd paid lip service to it tonight, she knew she'd stay. She'd known it yesterday when she had found herself at his apartment, the Crown Vic parked a block away so that she even had to walk the solitary sidewalk, the pain flaring with every step, receding only when she reached his door.

But it was worth it. This was always worth it. And it wasn't the meals he always had waiting, wasn't the awkward conversation they had, wasn't his incessant questions about what was going on at the 12th, wasn't the banter about Ryan's wedding. It wasn't any of those things. She knew what it was. She just couldn't do anything about it.

"Just a little while longer," she said, finishing their script, that old routine, causing him to break out in a smile of relief.

She'd stay a little while, and it would end up being two hours, then another hour where she threatened to really leave but he cajoled her and distracted her into staying. She'd fall asleep somewhere close to him, the pain at a dull edge for the first time all day, and Castle would carry her into his room.

But he wouldn't stay.

She wished he would stay. She hated herself for wishing it. She needed to stay away from him. She was bad for him; she was going to get him killed. Everyone else saw it. They all knew she couldn't keep him safe any longer, not after this, not if she was still going to pursue her mother's case.

She couldn't stop now; she couldn't. Not after this. She couldn't. "I can't stop."

His face was a careful mask, all of it hidden just for her. "I know."

"Castle." She hated that he locked it away, hated that he had to.

"I know, Kate."

She couldn't look at him. He knew too much; he understood. He always had. The resignation in his eyes killed her. But she had no other choice. The bastard had hired someone to kill her; he wouldn't stop. What was she supposed to do? There was no running from this, even if she wanted to. And part of did want to, so badly, she ached for it.

She wanted Castle to touch her, to reach across the distance between them and reestablish their connection. But he wouldn't, and she could no longer ask it of him.

"Should I talk to Alexis again?"

"Dead horse, Kate."

It was useless to keep talking; talk was nothing. Because the only thing left, she knew, was for her to either break it off clean with Castle and give him back to his family or stop chasing her mother's killer and plunge right into it.

She wanted both. She was being selfish, and Alexis knew it. Alexis wouldn't forgive her for it. And that's where they were. That's where they would stay. Trapped.

She'd meant to keep away. She'd made herself promises; she'd reminded herself it was for Castle's own good. She hardly cared about herself any more; she was on a hit list. She was marked for death. But Castle need not fall with her.

But Kate couldn't stay away. She spent the last three weeks clearing cases without Castle, on her new Captain's orders, and then dropping like a stone at her apartment, unable to sleep, unwilling to eat, the pain hemming her in. Three weeks with just a few texts, emails, while she struggled against fatigue and pain, against the boys' aggressive and blatant hatred of their new Captain, against her own need.

Last night. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. It wasn't even a hard case to close. It was just. . .automatic. A reflex. She headed straight for his loft at eleven-thirty and found Castle waiting for her, and it was the best thing that had ever happened to her. It was like she'd been walking in heels all day and had finally gotten the chance to slip them off.

She hurt. Every waking moment was pain. "Castle."

"I know, Kate." She forgot and met his eyes, saw the longing in them. She didn't want to do this anymore; she was going to just-

_No. No, you can't._ Kate got up abruptly, tried to get to the door but the ragged edges of her pain made her too slow. Castle caught her at the entry way, both hands on her shoulders, his face tender and broken.

"Stop," she said, but she was the one stopping. She didn't know what to do, didn't know if she could keep pushing against this.

She caught the blur of movement at the corner of her vision, glanced over to see Alexis at the top of the stairs.

Kate blinked and got control of herself, stepped away from Castle's hands. "I should go."

Castle followed her line of sight; she watched his shoulders slump, the shuttering away of pain in his eyes. She hated this. Her abdomen clutched with that ripple of warning; pain was back.

Well, she had no other choice.

Kate steeled her spine and leaned down for her bag and keys, her breath catching against the pieces that still wouldn't heal. She felt Castle behind her with her coat and let him ease her back up, slip the sleeves onto her arms, arrange the collar at her neck. She let herself feel the soft edge of his fingers against her neck, let herself sway there for a moment. She couldn't turn around or she wouldn't leave.

"Tomorrow is lasagna," he whispered. He sounded tired, but hopeful. Still. His breath against her ear was such a relief.

She moved her hands and buttoned her coat, clutched her messenger bag because she knew the elaborate process of getting it on over her shoulder would destroy the last of her defenses. The pain was a knife's edge along her sternum, a bone saw that bit away at her.

"Kate?" He still had his hands at her shoulders. She could see the bright hair of his daughter just beyond them, waiting.

"I don't know, Castle." She opened his front door, felt his palm slide down her left arm, his fingers clash with hers, hook in a brief farewell, before she made it out.

She got to the elevator before the pain overtook her.

Kate curled up against the far wall, a hand pressed against that place just below her rib, and tried to breathe without tears.


	4. Chapter 4

**Skip the Charades**

* * *

><p>It was you who were wildest<p>

It was you who floated above us all

I held on with wires

Will you come back down if I let you go?

"Skip the Charades," Cold War Kids

* * *

><p>"Alexis."<p>

She stepped onto the stairs, a look on her face that Castle couldn't read. "I just wanted to say hi."

Yeah. "Sure you did." He rubbed a hand through his hair and tried not to be frustrated with her.

Alexis swallowed and picked at the edge of her pajama pants. "Dad."

"Save it, Alexis. I'm too tired." He turned and headed back to his office, but he remembered the glance Kate had sent towards the closed door, the anguish in her eyes at even a suggestion of Alexis and he being out of sorts. He sighed, stopped in his tracks, turned back to his daughter. For Kate. Because she was afraid she was making things worse for him, and he didn't want her to be right.

Alexis had tears in her eyes, and he felt like a bastard. Castle went back to the bottom of the stairs, held out his arms to her. She flew down the steps and crushed him with one of her little-bear hugs.

"Dad." He got to be the papa-bear, and he scooped her up off her feet, hugging tight, before he set her back down.

"I'm sorry, Alexis." He'd been apologizing too often lately. To everyone. To his daughter, to Kate, to the boys for not keeping in better touch, to his mother for his mood swings. He needed to figure out how to live with his heart not-quite broken, how to breathe like this. Before he really hurt someone.

"Just. Isn't there a way to make her understand?" Alexis said, mumbling into his chest.

He sighed. "Sweetheart, she understands. All too clearly."

"But." Alexis pushed on him and moved back to glare at him. "How can she *do* this?"

Castle was tired of defending Kate to his family, weary of defending her to even himself. "Alexis. I don't want to get into it again."

"But she keeps coming back. I told her-" Alexis shook her head at that, not finishing her sentence.

Castle was still not privy to that conversation's details; neither woman had told him what their 'conversation' had been about that night, but he did know that Alexis had come home crying. And he knew that when he'd gone to see Kate, she'd been crying as well. Hours later.

And then Kate had told him he wasn't allowed back at the precinct.

"Well, she's stuck, Alexis, stuck in a difficult position. Regardless, I'm banned from the 12th anyway, so you don't need to worry."

It was crap, all of it. He hated this. He hated not having a good enough explanation for his daughter, hated the looks his mother sent him and her not-so-subtle reminders that he was not a cop. He hated falling asleep in his study, waiting for Kate to show up but not really believing she would. Hated the look in her eyes when she forced herself to leave tonight.

He wanted this to be over. Maybe it was time to move on. He wasn't sure if he could take it much longer. He should bow out gracefully, let Kate-

Even the thought of leaving Kate to her own devices, to get herself killed running after a phantom, even just the thought of it made his heart plummet like a stone in his chest.

"I still worry," Alexis interrupted, tugging on his arm to get him to turn back around.

Castle looked at her, his growing-up daughter, college-bound and certain she was ready for the world. She had no idea. She had Ashley, and all her dreams, but she had no idea how life could change. How the world could crumble around you.

"Go to Stanford. Live your life. You'll be safe-"

"It's not *me* I'm worried about! Dad. Come on. Please. It's not about me. It's about you. And Kate. And this is dangerous. There was a bomb," she whispered, and her eyes filled again. "There was a serial killer. A hired killer with a gun that you punched in the face. A freezer-" She held her hand up at him. "No. Don't. Kate told me. I asked, and she told me. All the times you nearly died. All of them. Everything. So don't tell me that it's nothing. It's *not* nothing. It's your life."

"It is my life. And I understand. I'm not doing it anymore, am I?" Never in his life had Castle wanted so badly to act like the nine year old everyone labeled him. He wanted to pitch a fit. He wanted to throw things and stick his fingers in his ears and hum so he didn't have to go through this all over again. He wasn't about to listen to another talking-to from his daughter, not again.

Alexis squeezed his arm. "You're not doing it anymore. But Kate is."

"Kate is," he agreed, and just like it always did, the admission that Kate was out there doing it alone ripped his guts out.

Kate was still doing all those dangerous things, but Castle wasn't there to make sure she came out of them alive. Kate was more than capable of taking care of herself, true. But there were times. Times she'd needed him.

"Kate might die, Dad."

"Damnit, Alexis-" He stalked away from her, furious and shaking, tried to push away the great wall of grief that crashed over him at those three words of hers. _Kate might die_. He felt wretched for cursing at his daughter and even more wretched for the mental image he had, burned in his brain for always, of Kate in the grass, dying. Dying.

"No." Alexis grabbed him by the elbow, suddenly right behind him, yanked him back around. Her eyes were overrun with tears again, and it killed him, it really did, but he was powerless to make them stop. "No. Listen to me. For once-"

"I *am* listening. Why do you think I'm here and not over at Kate's, helping her with her mother's case? Why do you think I agreed to leave the precinct without a fight, Alexis? Because I'm done? No. Because you asked me to. Because you asked me and I-"

"Shut up!" she yelled, shoving at him with both hands. "Shut up, shut up! Just listen to what I'm actually saying, would you?"

She was crying again, floods of tears, and he was too stunned by her aggression to cope with the tears and the anger both. Castle crouched a little, looking into her face, and caught her up into his arms, trying to gentle her with his touch. She seemed more frustrated than truly weepy, which seemed somehow better to him.

"I"m sorry. Alexis. Pumpkin. I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm listening. I'm here."

Alexis sucked in a breath through her tears, but she was using the edge of her sleeve to wipe them away, hugging him back with one arm. "I tried, Daddy. I tried to tell Kate. But she wouldn't listen to me. I begged her. I begged her to stop and to just. . .just run away with us."

Oh God. She didn't.

"Oh, Alexis."

"I told her that I knew she had to love you too. I could see it. She didn't even deny it, Dad. She just. Looked sad. And she said she had to do her job, and that was it."

Castle couldn't keep standing. He sat down hard on the arm of the couch, Alexis gripping him at the waist when she felt him falling. She ended up tangled with him there, but made no move to stand again.

"I'm so sorry, Dad. I tried to make her see."

"Oh, sweetheart, that's not up to you. You don't have to do that."

"I got really mad at her for. . .for being so stubborn. And I yelled at her."

So this was why Alexis acted so prickly around Kate these days, why Kate looked crushed whenever Alexis ignored the two of them. "What did you say?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever gone to her place-"

"Sweetheart, just tell me what you said."

"I said she was going to kill you, and she didn't even care. I was so frustrated with her."

Castle closed his eyes and hugged Alexis a little harder, his stomach sinking. _Welcome to my world_.

"But she keeps coming over, Dad."

"She does."

"That's a good sign, right? That's like. . .hope?"

"No, it's not," he whispered, resting his chin on the top of his sweet and good daughter's head. She'd just been pleading his case; she'd been taking up for him. But she might have just convicted Kate before Castle himself had even gotten a chance to make his defense. "She's saying good-bye, Alexis. Every time she comes, she's working up the courage to say good-bye. She's memorizing it all, for when the time comes that she can't come back."

Alexis cried then, real tears of grief rather than angry frustration, and Castle wished he could cry as well.

Instead, he slipped backwards onto the couch and brought his daughter with him, letting her curl against his side like she used to do when she was six. He held her, stroked her hair, and tried to push down the burn in his throat.

After a short but jagged bout of crying, Alexis looked up at him from her place at his shoulder, wiping her face with the edge of her tshirt. "Dad. You've got to stop her. You can stop her. You love her and she loves you."

"That doesn't always work like it does in the movies, sweetheart." He tried to not sound so bitter, but it came out sour anyway.

"I know that. But if you talk to her. . ."

"I have talked to her. You know that."

"If you tell her?"

"I've told her, sweetheart. Kate thinks keeping close to us puts us in danger."

And she was right. He knew that, logically, but he had a hard time accepting it. His heart had a hard time.

"If that's true, then we're already in danger. That's enough like a movie, isn't it? Think of all the movies where they come after people like you anyway. I mean, like people *don't* know that Kate Beckett is your muse? Like all of us who read page six haven't seen the rumors?"

"There are still rumors?"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh Dad. Seriously?"

"Like what?"

"You don't want to know," she said darkly, shaking her head. She looked a little better, now that she was fighting for something. She had a way with an argument, like a lawyer; she could use logic like a tool. Or a weapon.

"Alexis-"

"Hear me out. You guys are paired together already. It's not like her staying away from you, or you staying away from the precinct is going to make people think differently."

He sighed. "Well. No. I guess not."

"So. You get it?"

He glared at her. "No."

"You're like a set. With one, you get the other. But this guy, this guy who wants Kate dead? What stops him from hurting you anyway? Even if you're *not* seeing Kate. As long as she goes after her mother's killer, then Dad. . .you're fair game. We all are."

His guts twisted. "You tell her this too?" he said, his hand drawing into a fist.

"No," she said softly. "Just. . .thought of it now. But it's true. You might as well get to love her, and she you, if you're going to have a target on your back anyway."

There it was. Irrefutable, cold logic. Just like Kate always liked. Not an emotional pleading, not pretty words and flowery language, just the facts.

And that might be the only way to change Kate's mind about the only thing that mattered to Castle-

them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Skip the Charades**

* * *

><p>Let's skip the charades<p>

You're seeing right through me anyway

Can we just speak plain?

We're playing for the same team

But I'm the one that's acting like

I'm so strong

You're the one that's acting like

Nothing's wrong

-"Skip the Charades," Cold War Kids

* * *

><p>Castle had slipped on converse shoes and grabbed his keys, forgetting his wallet, and run out of the loft. His phone was in his back pocket, and he tried calling Kate twice before he gave up on that and focused on getting to her. Just getting to her.<p>

The elevator was slow in coming. How long had it been since Kate had walked out the door? Ten minutes maybe. He couldn't be sure. Fifteen, because Alexis had been crying and they'd sat together for a minute on the couch. A minute to grab his shoes and scoop his keys off his desk.

She'd be in the car by now. If she'd even brought the car tonight. Yesterday she'd mentioned parking the Crown Vic a block away and walking in. How tired it made her. Tonight she was more exhausted than last, but she'd not mentioned having the car.

It was possible that Kate had taken public transportation then, and he knew how much she despised using a cab when the subway was available. At midnight? Not sure. He couldn't be sure about anything, really, but he did know-

The elevator doors opened. He'd taken half a step inside when-

"Kate?"

She was curled in the corner of the lift, her head bent forward, her body slack. She didn't stir at her name.

"Kate," he murmured, dropping to his knees in front of her.

Castle grabbed her by the shoulders to lift her up; she moaned and came around, her eyes slowly opening. He got an arm under her legs and then his thigh at her back, giving him the leverage to lift them both up off the floor of the elevator.

"Castle," she sounded confused, and then her whole body jerked, curling into a fetal position. He felt her muscles spasm so hard that his arms shook.

The second he was off the elevator, he settled her back onto the floor of the hallway, standing over her, trying to work his thumbs into the stiff places at her ribs. She jerked again with the pain, curling around his hands, and then let out a long, slow hiss of breath as the pressure wrestled her muscles into alignment again.

"Shit, Kate," he breathed, realized that his legs were shaking and had to sit down on the floor next to her. He used his thumbs to massage circles into that place just below her sternum where the pain built and cramped, where her muscles seized.

"Couldn't get up," she said, her words coming in jerky gasps. She was used to it; he was used to it. Didn't make it any easier to see her collapsed and unconscious in his elevator because of it. "Think I passed out."

"Yeah. But I got you."

It took a long minute of his fingers working at her muscles before she could uncurl a little, straighten her legs. Then she put her hands over his and just sat with him in the floor, breathing, her eyes closed as the sweat cooled on her forehead.

Castle wanted to weep, but he stayed in his hallway, listening to the rattle of her breath, feeling the occasional spasm of her poorly healed muscles under his fingers.

"Kate?"

"Yeah."

"Come back inside."

"I need to go home."

"Come back inside, Kate." He couldn't help it. He pressed his lips into the top of her head and closed his eyes, breathing her in.

"I shouldn't. Alexis-"

"Alexis sent me out after you."

It was only because he still had his fingers digging into those knots that he felt the catch in her breath.

"She. . .did."

"She did. Come back inside." And then he didn't wait for affirmation, just got to his feet, hauling her up with him. Kate stumbled and leaned away from him, but he kept her at his side, towing her towards his door.

"Castle."

"You and I are going to have a talk about this." She was unable to stand up straight because of her abdominal muscles, but he dragged her down the hall as best he could, both of them made off-balance.

"I'm fine."

"Not this, this." He gestured to her as if to encompass her still-rebelling body. "This, this." He moved his hand between them. "Because I'm done."

"Done?"

Did he imagine the hitch in her voice? "Done pretending nothing's wrong. This is bullshit, Kate."

"If you're going to curse at me, then at least give me a chance to catch my breath," she muttered, leaning against the wall as he slipped his key into the lock.

The door opened on Alexis's worried face before he got a chance to work the tumblers. "I thought you were gonna-" She stepped back when she saw Kate, something on her face that Castle couldn't understand.

"Alexis, help me," he said. Alexis came to Kate's other side even as the detective muttered that she could walk just fine.

"Really? Because I'm bearing at least half your weight here," he muttered back, he and Alexis maneuvering Kate to the couch.

"I've just got to ride it out. You know that," Kate managed, but her hand reached for Alexis's as the girl stepped back. Alexis squeezed it, the two of them clinging to something that Castle just didn't get, didn't understand. More had gone on there than either had said, despite what Alexis had confessed to him just a few minutes ago.

"I just don't want you to die," Alexis said in a rush and buried Kate in an awkward hug. Kate's eyes closed in pain, he saw, but she hugged back. Another surprise.

"I'm not trying to die, Alexis," she said.

"But you-" Alexis shook her head and moved back. "Never mind. I won't do this again with you. . .Dad. I'll be upstairs if you, when you need me."

Castle watched her go, then turned back to Kate. "Neither of you are going to tell me what that's about, are you?"

"No."

He sighed and sat down on the couch beside her. "How're the abs?"

"Killing me."

"Killing you. That's a great segue, actually." He tried to make a joke of it. "You know what's killing me?"

She rolled her eyes at him, evidently trying to reestablish some solid footing with him, but now that he had her off-balanced, he was determined to push, to push her hard.

"*You* are killing me, Kate."

"Thanks," she said, her face a cloud. "I'm trying to keep you out of this, Castle."

"Not what I mean," he said, and brushed his finger down her cheek as she struggled to sit up straight. "And you know it."

"I don't know most of what you talk about these days." She winced as she moved and bit her bottom lip. She laid against the arm of the couch for a moment.

"You're killing me, Kate. All I want is you. Not the 12th, the police work, the access, the story. That can rot. I want you. And sure, you show up after midnight a couple nights a month, but you keep carefully just out of my reach even though I can see you want the same thing-"

"Castle," she moaned and struggled to get off the couch.

He reached out and nudged her shoulder, all it took to topple her when she was in pain like this. She hissed in a breath as she fell back. "Not fair."

"No, it's not. I'm done being fair. Being fair sucks."

"Castle, we can't afford to be selfish. This is more than just dangerous; it could very well get us both killed. Alexis needs her father-"

"I am already in this, Kate. As Alexis herself pointed out to me, it's not like people will believe us if we say we mean nothing to each other. Keeping our distance, pretending you mean nothing to me?"

He watched her, saw the way it broke her just to hear it, even if it wasn't true. And that's how he knew for certain, that's how he could keep going, even though she hurt to hear him say it.

"I'd do anything for you, Kate. And half the city knows that. Including your mom's killer. He probably knows it the best. So keeping your distance is pointless."

She didn't say anything to that, just kept her eyes closed like she couldn't face it.

"I'm just pretending that I'm okay, Kate. I'm waiting up for you every night and getting by with emails and a handful of phone calls. But it's not working for me. I'm miserable. And then I look at you, and. . ." He looked at her now, curled around her belly, her face twisted with something that look a lot like grief. Castle sighed. "So why are we doing this to ourselves?"

She had brought her feet up on the couch and now put her head against her knees, breathing in and out. When he let the silence go on, stretch out, she turned her face to him slowly, her eyes opening.

"I'm miserable too," she said.

He nodded. He could see that.

"God, I'm miserable every day," she groaned, rubbing at her face. She slowly slumped back until her head was propped against the couch, her knees sticking up from his couch like two jagged rocks.

"So stop," he said with a shrug. "Let it be. It's too late now, Kate, to keep me out of the danger. I put myself in it, when I had the doc look at your mom's case. You warned me back then that I had no right-"

She shook her head. "Castle-"

"You warned me that you couldn't let it go," he finished, sliding his palm over the cushion to scoop up her hand, squeeze it.

She bit her lip again, chewed on it. "I can't let it go. And if it gets you killed, I'll. . .I don't think I'd make it," she whispered and turned her head to look at him, such regret etched into her face.

"Yes, you will," he answered. "Because I made you promise to look after Alexis. And because you're a survivor. You keep on."

She shuddered, something like a groan coming out of her mouth. "That'd be worse."

"Just so we're clear," he said softly, tugging on her hand to make her look at him. "I don't plan on getting killed."

She lifted her head, rolling her eyes for effect, but he could see the wound behind the flippant gesture. "Well, neither do I."

"Kate. Can't I just. . ." Castle trailed off, not sure how to ask for the thing he wanted, not sure he should, even now.

Forget it. No more talking. He was done.

He reached for her, both hands, and took her.

* * *

><p>Kate felt that jolt of startled awareness, and then his mouth was demanding hers, insistent and possessive, laying claim. She acquiesced out of surprise, felt him invade the shoreline of her lips, and then he laid her to waste with the edge of his tongue, slaying her protest.<p>

Curled like she was around the still aching ribs, she found herself made small by the force of him against her, finding a strange thrill in the weight of him as he bore her down. She felt her head hit the arm of the couch as his mouth traveled over her, and she raised her hands to ward him off.

Instead, she found herself curling her fingers in his shirt and tugging him close, closer, digging for skin. When she met the warmth of his sides, she flattened her palms out then skimmed up his back, relishing the shiver that worked over his body.

He broke the kiss to nibble at her jaw, taste her earlobe, bite the tendon at her neck before moving down. She gasped and sought the smooth pulse at his temple with her mouth, stroked her hands along whatever she could reach, arched against him-

"Ah!" she hissed, bringing her knees up reflexively, cutting him off as the jagged lightning of pain ripped down her middle.

Castle paused, a hand traveling between them to touch her sternum; she trembled, pressed her hands against his back to keep him there, even as the path of the agony traveled in her chest.

Heat seemed to fuse between them and concentrate itself in that line down her chest; she tried to ride it out, blinking fast. Castle lifted his head and kissed her eyebrows, gently, reverently, then the spots on her cheeks where the heat flushed, then the corner of her mouth, an eyelid, that spot just before her ear.

The burn curled tightly, and then seemed to rest just at her upper left rib, like a whipcord snapping back up. She took in a shaky, deep breath as an experiment, but the tight, cramping pain was mostly gone. Just that knot against her rib and the ghost of a burn.

His hand at her stomach pressed, gentler now, and she moved her knees down, let him closer, slowly stretching out until her body was flat against the couch.

"It doesn't hurt so much," she whispered, pressed her mouth to his ear. She realized her hands were shaking and made fists against his back.

"Good."

"No," she insisted. "I mean. At all. Something snapped and. . .it's dissipating."

"Something snapped?" he asked, raising as if he was going to get off of her. She pressed him down instead, lifting her hips to meet his, and he groaned. "Kate. Oh, oh, don't. Don't do that."

She did it again, pleased at the freedom of movement, more pleased with the look on his face, the control she exerted.

And then she realized what she'd done, and how, and why they shouldn't, and she froze. "I'm sorry. We can't-"

"Oh hell no," he groaned and leaned down to take another kiss. And another. A longer one that made her hands flatten on his shoulder blades and her thighs shift wider.

"Castle-" she tried again.

"No," he said, more forcefully, and slanted his mouth over hers, slow and silky now, gradually building the heat before easing away from her lips. "We can. We will. No more distance. No more pretending."

His hips met hers and she bucked up instinctively, opening her mouth to him. She felt her ankle slide off the couch as she tried to get leverage, and it jerked her back to awareness. She held him off with a hand, trying to see past the intensity of his needy eyes.

"Not. Not on the couch. Alexis-" she muttered, and his daughter's name was like the magic word. Castle stopped, breathing hard against her, and lifted up. For a moment, he sat there, getting himself together, and then he raised her up as well, easing her against his side. They sat shoulder to shoulder, catching their breath.

"Not here," he agreed and ran a hand through his hair, his eyes boring into hers. "But soon."

Kate glanced involuntarily to the hall leading back to his bedroom, but just nodded. Soon. She couldn't believe she'd agreed, but she realized she meant it. It was inevitable, had always been inevitable.

"Say it," he said softly, and leaned over to press a chaste kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"Soon," she said, finding it hard to breathe again, feeling the hitch at her ribs.

Castle noticed it, but stood and offered her a hand, which she took, expecting him to walk her to his door. Instead he headed towards his bedroom, tugging her after him.

"Castle! Not. . .not *this* soon."

He paused, and she felt the stretch of their linked hands between them, but then he gave one of his leering grins. "What a dirty mind you have, Detective. I only meant to tuck you in. It's late. You need sleep. Just like last night."

She gaped at him for a second but followed when he led her back down the hall to his bedroom. She stood at the threshold, wanting him to stay with her and knowing it wouldn't be smart.

But still. . .

"You need to heal, first," he said softly, as if he could read every thought in her head. Castle pressed his palm just below her breast, his fingers spanning her ribs. "You said something snapped. That could be bad, or it could be what you needed. Either way, no more. . .aerobics tonight."

She felt her lips twitch but didn't give in to the urge to grin. "I don't have pajamas."

"Wear one of my shirts. I'll get a pair of Alexis's pajama pants. You'll be set."

Kate watched him for a second, saw the insecurity asserting itself again, the hesitance. But he was right; this was it for them. They'd just been making themselves miserable. She needed to make sure he understood. Even without the 12th, without her mother's case, without resolution to any of it, this was it for her.

"Castle?"

"Yeah."

She pulled her lip out from between her teeth and gave him a smile, lifting her hand to lay it against his chest.

"I love you too."


End file.
